I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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