peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Randomize