I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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