On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
