the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Randomize
