I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
