you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
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Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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