god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
