I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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