So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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