my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
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You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
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I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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