It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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