I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
