I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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