Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
