mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
