are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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