nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
