everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
