i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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