I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she pinky promised me she was 18
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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