you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
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I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
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Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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