You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
