An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
