I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
