I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
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She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
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Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Can you rollerblade?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen