I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
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I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
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I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.