So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
