She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
