I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I checked into jail on foursquare
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
