Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
