You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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