Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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