I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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