Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
