M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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