WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
one two three fourrrrnication!
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
