I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
