I cockslap morals
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Randomize
