wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize