we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
