I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
