The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize