i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
