I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
