This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
