he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
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I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
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Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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