She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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