I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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