I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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