Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
