Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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