I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
