Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
