Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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